So, Channel 4, the slightly more left-field choice of Britain's terrestrial TV channels has decided to boost its flagging ratings by churning out the same old fodder as usual, but this time in 3D. This former flagship of the arts and documentaries hasn't really been the same since it scored big almost a decade ago with Endemol's infamous Big Brother reality show. Which as it happens is also losing viewers like there's no tomorrow, blame the late Jade Goody for insulting the Sub Continent amongst other things. They have nothing left, whatever mystical blend of TV programming did make this channel work, it's obviously on the turn, in fact its as rank as televisual offal can be, and so they're pulling a very old crowd pleaser from their familiar bag of editorial tricks, and decided to give a slice of the nation a headache for the week.
I was never impressed with 3D technology, the cheap red and green Ray-Bans always gave me a headache, as does the slightly askew colour overlays of anything filmed with this technology. It's as if scientists and technologists have been sulking and sucking their thumbs since the 1950's over this little debacle, we're not watching teen horror movies of amorphous blobs from Mars any more, we don't go to the drive-in, in truth the Brits never did, but a ream of tepid CGI films from the likes of Pixar and their slave masters Disney mean that a whole new generation are ready to be jerked around by vapid promises of a televisual spectacular.
The week of the same old same old will be interrupted by a 3D colour newsreel of the Queen during her Coronation year entitled Royal Review, however it won't include invaders from another planet, or special effects of any kind, just the same tired pomp and ceremony that reminds us British how subservient we always were as a nation. Asides the Queen there's a few schlock horror movies from the vaults of House of Hammer, some 'young people's programming', another yawn fest from the OCD mind mapping nut that is Derren Brown, a Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus concert (don't even go there), and an ex-transvestite Northern working men's club comedian turned daytime talk host Paul O'Grady. All of which will get the 3D treatment courtesy of Sainsbury's supermarket. Yes that's right, you won't receive a pair in the post, you'll have to divert your usual recession-proof shopping habits and take a trip light fantastic to the upper end of the food sector shopping experience. So once you've spent an extra £50 or so on faux-luxury freezer food, picked up your 3D glasses and battled gale force winds on the return home what can you expect to experience? Very little.
As a child I used to read, when I could get hold of them, DC and Marvel comics from America, in a time before Alan Moore knew the score and all that Fleet Street could offer was the usual brand of Bash Street Kids and Dennis The Menace humour that had been prevalent since the last World War. I'd scan the impossible feats of men infected with exotic spider venom, Gamma rays and so forth before studying a page or two of incredible offers for everything a boy could want, including X-Ray Specs. Which didn't work. If there were such a thing, the technology would probably turn you blind, and via a less preferable method than the usual old wives' tale.
Life must be slowing down. That might seem a ridiculously naive statement, but it's really hard to tell these days. If you were travelling at the speed of light, say you'd just been abducted by a group of friendly 'greys' who let you forgo the usual probing and sat you down by a port hole to watch the streaming stars. If you were speeding through the universe, at immeasurable speed, and slowly Captain Grey took his foot off the pedal, ever so slightly mind you, would you notice? Here's another one, if you were the greatest genius who ever lived, how long would it take to notice if say you were losing 1% of your intelligence each day? Now scale that up, over thousands, if not millions of years. Then throw 3D glasses into the mix, it's a dirty great big road sign to oblivion if you ask me.
I used to pester my parents from the proverbial year dot of my experience on earth, essentially no idea was beyond my grasp, I became impatient to find out everything there was to know, and then, inexplicably, or so all the adults around me at the time would like to believe, I lost interest. I lost faith in humanity. I'd watch old Star Trek episodes and count the days until I could too travel the stars, then I realised, not only was it fiction, the idea was so far removed from the truth it was painful. The vacuum tube technology that transmitted the flickering images to my retinae was almost a century old. I'd visit the bathroom and realise the same could be said for the flushing toilet, the bath, the plumbing. Outside Dad would be working on a clapped out car, run on petrol via a combustion engine, yet again antique technology. I realised then, that for the main part, something dodgy was going on.
Perhaps there is a vast and highly complicated conspiracy behind this phenomenon, perhaps the richest on the planet are jet-setting around the stars, watching holographic movies and teleporting to dinner parties on previously unexplored moons lush with nature, water and the finest champagnes. Then again, taking on the old adage that the simplest explanation is most likely the truth, we are getting lazy. Governments, just like corporations, are very short sighted. They look ahead a year or two if you're lucky. Unlike the Japanese who've decided for some inexplicable reason to follow their goal of a 100 year long robot technology program, most countries have only just got to grips with nuclear power, not so much the devastating side-effects as the realisation that green technology still can't cut it.
It's the same old bland nostalgia seen through a pair of rose-tinted, green-tinted, 3D glasses. Perhaps they should start filming Prime Minister's Questions and the evening news in 3D, that might keep people distracted from the state of the country, we're screwed, just close your eyes, it will all be over soon.
Tags: 3D, CH4 3D, Channel Four, fail, nostalgia, Queen’s Coronation, TV
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